Holocaust Blog #3: Mala's Perspective - A Journal

An angry Mala.

Theme/Motif: Long-term Effects of the Holocaust (found in every presentation, particularly Survivors, Poems, and Art)
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September 5, 1978

 Vladek is such a difficult human being. Every day, he does something even more annoying than the day before. This morning, he made such a scene in the bakery when we went to buy bread. He complained that it was too expensive. He was so fed up and stubborn that he insisted we leave without buying the bread because "the baker is a crook and a thief."

Part of me credits this behavior to his experience during the Holocaust. After all, he had to put up with so much: not having food, not being able to trust anyone, dealing with questionable family members. But I have survived the Holocaust also. And I am not like him. I remember the Holocaust, of course, but I'd rather live a comfortable life than continue such Holocaust-era practices. We have the money now. Why don't we use it?

Vladek says that all I care about is money. But how is simply wanting to live life in accordance with what we actually have selfish? It isn't! Many of our friends and neighbors also survived the Holocaust; they had to put up with exactly what Vladek did. And they are like me also. They do not forget, but they move on. I always think to myself, the best way to "get revenge" after the Holocaust is living life to the fullest. The Nazis intended to end my people's existence on this earth. Instead, I say, take life and live it in the best way one possibly can. Vladek clearly doesn't agree.

Art and Vladek just started talking about the Holocaust. (I think it is for some picture book Art is writing, but I am not sure.) And although Vladek probably does not know, I can hear everything they say. I hear Vladek lament about me. But the worst part is how he talks about Anja, how much he loved her, how they adored each other. I know that Anja was his true love. But how he talks about me is despicable. It makes me feel secondary, worthless. I survived the Holocaust, too. I lost people I loved, too. Of course, Vladek never asks me about this. He just complains about my very presence. The truth is, neither of us love each other. We live with each other, sure, but it is to keep one another company. At least for me, after the Holocaust, I am uncomfortable not being with a companion; I just want to feel that I have someone else on my side as well. I suspect Vladek feels the same way. He just cannot admit it.

I really don't know what to do or what the future holds. Hopefully Vladek being around Art will help soften him, make him learn how to be friendly again. Why exactly Art is even bothering with Vladek again, I don't know. Should he want to talk to me about my experience in the Holocaust, I would be happy to help. It is still uncomfortable with Art, though. I don't know what he still feels for Anja. It is hard to tell with him. All I know is that Art and Vladek continue to bicker during their interviews. I guess this makes me feel good, though, since it means that Vladek isn't only grumpy to me.

Until tomorrow,
Mala